zombielover99 wrote:Hey guys, I'm writing a book and I was hoping you guys could review it, here is the first chapter

Chapter 1

Tyler and Jeff had just left Richwood Theatre, a huge theatre that was know for it's humongous arcade, and amazing selection of movies. Outside the theatre was a different story, it was very damp and musty, almost like a swamp. The street the theatre was positioned on had no sign of life except the bright light that indicated the movie theatre was closed.

"Haha, I loved that movie!" said Tyler to his friend Jeff.
"I did enjoy it, but after seeing it for the 100th time you start to lose interest." Replied Jeff. Jeff and Tyler had gone to see Galactic Space Alien Warriors, or as most people call them, Warians, the very popular new movie.
"Have you heard this movie is going to be the top grossing movie of all time in two days at this rate." Tyler said. "I cant wait for Galactic Space Alien Warriors 2 to come out!"
"Hey you look down all of the sudden, Jeff, what's the matter?" Jeff didn't reply but simply pointed towards a sign above the gigantic door that led into the movie theatre, it read Movie Theatre Closing Next Month, Thank You Loyal Customers, We With You The Best. "The movie theatre is closing.'" Tyler thought. "This is our favourite movie theatre though"

...

"Are you sure about this?" Asked Melvin. "I mean what if it doesn't work and the cat gets hypothermia or something?"
"What, even the class clown is too wimpy to do this." Laughed Tyler. "Come on guys, it will be HILARIOUS!" Tyler was planning on dumping Mrs. Schnitzers cat into a big bucket of water while Mrs. Schnitzer(the leanest, meanest teacher in school) was on a lunch break. "I'm sorry Tyler, but even I'm out on this one!" Jeff stated. "Yeah what if you get caught, you'll be in some major trouble..." Warned Jessica. Tyler had never been one to care about trouble until it came, and he certainly wasn't going to start now. "Do I guess when this gets noted as the funniest prank in the world I can take all the credit for it." Tyler said, proudly. Soon enough everyone had scurried out of the classroom to avoid being caught near Tyler if he somehow got busted, everyone knows that when it comes to this school, whoever is at the scene is the criminal. Tyler unlocked the cage of the teachers cat, carried her over to the bucket of water, he was about to throw the cat in when he heard the knob on the door twist. A milli-second later Mrs. Schnitzer was staring a Tyler mid-act, face more red then a tomato. Tyler was in deep, deep doo-doo.



Well, that's end of chapter 1, if you enjoyed let me know and I'll continue editing more chapters into this post whenever I can!

Thanks!

-Zombeh

Jamourous wrote:I really like this story zombie, but I can't really get into it. It has no hook, so it kinda encourages the reader to just skim read. The punctuation is out of your control, and I think I'll edit it with quotation marks, for your pleasure and ease. Another thing the story is missing is establishing information, such as:

Where is the Redwood Theatre, School and Town?
Who are Jessica, Mrs Schnitzer and Melvin?
What does everyone look like?

I know its a lot, but the chapter is still extremely short. For something this worthy of engagement, I think the story really needs to be lengthened. In regards to a hook, I was taught a good story starts with vagueness, then starts to fill in information. An example I can put here is:

Tyler's eyes widened. As he walked out of the Redwood Theatre, one of Chicago's most loved buildings, the vivid lights of the arcade hit him. As he looked to the left, he realised his friend has staring at him. "Why are you always caught off guard?" Jeff said in mock anger. "There is a sign in the foyer saying 'Let your eyes adjust, before exiting the theatre', Can't you read?" Tyler walked closer to Jeff, his taller frame eclipsing the 5'3 body of the teen. He was caught off guard as Jeff slid his long, thin legs away from him, collapsing the 6'1 Tyler into a heap on the ground. "Don't ever stand over me, I hate it." growled Jeff, tufts of his brown hair blowing as he talked.

I established: Where Redwood Theatre was, and what they look like, vaguely. Thats just one paragraph, imagine the information you could convey in the whole chapter!

I believe in you Zombeh, I really do.

kittens1234 wrote:just an fyi
if you want to publish your book/story for the entire world to read
yay i think that'd be great
you can't post it online .-.
just an btw
your story is great tho

kittens1234 wrote:well no
but if people can read it online for free then a publisher won't publish it bc no money to be made
and waht chall said

kittens1234 wrote:well no
but if people can read it online for free then a publisher won't publish it bc no money to be made
and waht chall said

zombielover99 wrote:

kittens1234 wrote:well no
but if people can read it online for free then a publisher won't publish it bc no money to be made
and waht chall said

OR you could do what I did, and post it online for people to rate