2014-01-24, 12:02 PM
I really like this story zombie, but I can't really get into it. It has no hook, so it kinda encourages the reader to just skim read. The punctuation is out of your control, and I think I'll edit it with quotation marks, for your pleasure and ease. Another thing the story is missing is establishing information, such as:
Where is the Redwood Theatre, School and Town?
Who are Jessica, Mrs Schnitzer and Melvin?
What does everyone look like?
I know its a lot, but the chapter is still extremely short. For something this worthy of engagement, I think the story really needs to be lengthened. In regards to a hook, I was taught a good story starts with vagueness, then starts to fill in information. An example I can put here is:
Tyler's eyes widened. As he walked out of the Redwood Theatre, one of Chicago's most loved buildings, the vivid lights of the arcade hit him. As he looked to the left, he realised his friend has staring at him. "Why are you always caught off guard?" Jeff said in mock anger. "There is a sign in the foyer saying 'Let your eyes adjust, before exiting the theatre', Can't you read?" Tyler walked closer to Jeff, his taller frame eclipsing the 5'3 body of the teen. He was caught off guard as Jeff slid his long, thin legs away from him, collapsing the 6'1 Tyler into a heap on the ground. "Don't ever stand over me, I hate it." growled Jeff, tufts of his brown hair blowing as he talked.
I established: Where Redwood Theatre was, and what they look like, vaguely. Thats just one paragraph, imagine the information you could convey in the whole chapter!
I believe in you Zombeh, I really do.
Where is the Redwood Theatre, School and Town?
Who are Jessica, Mrs Schnitzer and Melvin?
What does everyone look like?
I know its a lot, but the chapter is still extremely short. For something this worthy of engagement, I think the story really needs to be lengthened. In regards to a hook, I was taught a good story starts with vagueness, then starts to fill in information. An example I can put here is:
Tyler's eyes widened. As he walked out of the Redwood Theatre, one of Chicago's most loved buildings, the vivid lights of the arcade hit him. As he looked to the left, he realised his friend has staring at him. "Why are you always caught off guard?" Jeff said in mock anger. "There is a sign in the foyer saying 'Let your eyes adjust, before exiting the theatre', Can't you read?" Tyler walked closer to Jeff, his taller frame eclipsing the 5'3 body of the teen. He was caught off guard as Jeff slid his long, thin legs away from him, collapsing the 6'1 Tyler into a heap on the ground. "Don't ever stand over me, I hate it." growled Jeff, tufts of his brown hair blowing as he talked.
I established: Where Redwood Theatre was, and what they look like, vaguely. Thats just one paragraph, imagine the information you could convey in the whole chapter!
I believe in you Zombeh, I really do.